I don’t drink much. But when I do, I take shots to get it over with quicker.
Even taking shots is difficult for me. Luckily, the other day I found a magical brand of cheap tequila that is surprisingly smooth, and…
This is what I remember.
Me: Margaritaaas!
C: Do you have salt for the rim?
Me: Damn right I do! Let’s get this dust off, and…
C: What are you doing?
Me: Looking for the instructions. Okay. It says we have to moisten the rim, and then dip it in.
C: Here’s a plate.
Me: What on Earth would I need a plate for? I just dip it in the container.
A few moments later…
Me: Mine looks like crap.
A few moments later…
Me: Wait, why am I putting salt on the rim? I hate salted rims.
C: You’re stupid.
Me: *sips* Oh, God, no. This is going to be the worst. *sips again*
D: You saw B’s latest short film, right?
Me: Yes! I love it!
D: Do you know what it’s about?
Me: No! He never tells me what his movies are about. As far as I can tell, it’s about an accordion.
D: It’s about abortion.
Me: *breaks down sobbing* Noooooooooooooooo.
S: Let’s have a toast!
Me: Yay!
S: What do we toast to?
Me: What?
S: It’s your turn.
Me: What?
S: It’s your turn to choose the toast.
Me: Laundry detergent that smells like islands.
S: Well, that was quick.
Me: I went to Walmart today.
S: To laundry detergent that smells like islands, then.
Me: What?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
K: Just Coke.
Me: Do you want anything else in that Coke?
K: No. I stopped drinking when I started smoking dope.
Me: *laughs*
K: *doesn’t laugh*
Me: But. You’re a sweet old man.
K: I drive better on dope than I do on alcohol.
Me: But. You’re like my grandpa.
K: By the way, if Chuck Norris turns down this gig then I get his part.
Me: Is he a grandpa now?!
K: Weird, huh?
Me: Okay, seriously, the Purge 2 could be pretty good. Because the original Purge was soooooooo awful. Like, Jodie Foster could have been in that movie and I would have been like “Hmmm this seems familiar.” But, I already said that, and it didn’t even have Jodie Foster in it. That’s how bad it was. It was just another home invasion movie, which we’re SO TIRED OF. The concept of a complete anarchist society was sooooo good. And they ruined it. Now they’re getting a second chance, in, like, the sequel. Did Ethan Hawke die? It doesn’t really matter, but I don’t really want him in the next movie. Maybe like Liv Tyler. Wait, I’ve seen that movie before, too.
M: Why are you taking your shirt off?
Me: You’re just ignorant.
And then this wonderful conversation that ended up actually being about me:
M: Yeah, she’s been stressing out a little bit. It’s not an easy script.
B: I bet. I’m sure she’s been getting pretty depressed about it.
M: Yeah, it’s even depressing me a little bit. She’s had to do all this research about all the shit going on with the world, it’s pretty heavy.
(enter me, stage right, wide eyed and out of breath)
Me: WE’RE RAPPING!!
M: Fuckk yeahhhhhhhh!
(all exit to go rap battle each other)
Wish you could have been there.
I wish I could have been there, too.
I don’t even rap.
Life Lessons from Somebody Else 