I’m Sorry That I Have to Do This.


I’m so sorry.

But I have to take a minute and talk about how great my boyfriend is.

I met M at a film festival a little under two years ago. His film had won the year prior, and he was there to look pretty in front all of the young aspiring filmmakers in our community. I was a volunteer worker for the film festival, so I wasn’t really supposed to be “networking.”

I really hate “networking,” anyway.

But there was something about the way he looked that was so impressive. He wore a fancy gray blazer over a t-shirt. He was composed and stoic, but when he laughed his eyes crinkled up in this amazing little way.

I told myself, “If you don’t go talk to him well, then, you can just die filled with regret, I guess.”

So, I forced myself to talk to him. I thought it was an exercise in becoming more courageous, a better networker. What I didn’t realize was, that strange impulsive decision on my part would change my life. Completely, unalterably, and for the better. No exaggeration.

He was crewing up for a feature film he was directing. He needed a script supervisor. I was a script supervisor, but I made him believe I had more experience than I did. I had never done a feature-length film before. But every time he laughed, I knew I had to say whatever I could to get him in my life.

Working together on a film all summer sped up the process I normally take with the people I date. We were instantly comfortable with each other, and went from that stage to tearing at each other’s throats quickly. All those exhausting all-nighters on set didn’t allow for us to have any bullshit with each other. I was working right at his side, and as often as I was helping him with the logistics of filming I was also driving him up a wall with my suggestions to “improve” the script. And every time he missed a little detail in the script that I found to be extremely important for whatever reason, I was up the wall with him.

And yet, we’re still together today. Not only that, but every day we become more and more entwined together. A lot of people use some semblance of that expression, “growing closer each day.” What I think it means to me is that every day, every conversation we have, a bit more memory is logged away. My memories of him, and his memories of me, they grow a bit each day and take over the other memories, the ones that don’t matter. We are partners in crime, roommates, best friends, and two people who are in love with each other.

We have created so much beyond a normal life together. We have created stories, films, and whole worlds together. And the interesting part is, our world views are vastly different. Most conversations we have resemble arguments, but I can’t believe how much this stretches me. Grows me. Nobody can make me more irritated than he can, but something about that irritation is so exciting. It’s the kind of irritation that, now, I don’t know what I would do without.

My relationship with M hasn’t been my easiest relationship. But my easiest relationship was also easy to leave. If I had to lose M, something inside me would snap off and go with him. That something would be made up of the feeling of his scruff on my skin, mixed with my outlook on life and a large part of who I am today. Without him, these things would be gone, and I don’t know who I would be without it.

He has taught me more than any other person has. These lessons include:

  • How to show the mean Internet company who is boss over the phone.
  • How to purchase land.
  • How to adjust an aperture (and what the hell that really means).
  • How to correctly act around dogs.
  • How to correctly recover from a wounded ego.
  • How to start a business.
  • How to edit an action scene.
  • How to convince others that you’re the shit.
  • How to be the shit.
  • How to be a tiny bit less messy than I was before.
  • How to keep my cool around bison.
  • How to keep my cool in general.
  • How to know when I’m in the right place.

I don’t know how I ended up where I am now. It was either insane luck or divine intervention. But however I got here, I could never question whether or not it’s the right place. Being with him is the best possible place, and he helps me see it every day.

Take this cheese and do what you want with it. Thanks for reading!


2 thoughts on “I’m Sorry That I Have to Do This.

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