6 Reasons I Have Coffee Breath

coffee breath

1. Life is not fair.

2. Life is not fair.

3. Life is not fair.

4. Life is not fair.

5. I drank some coffee.

6. I don’t have gum.

When I was in high school, it was considered slightly “rebellious” and “cool” to drink coffee. In case you forgot that people are dumbasses in high school, this is just a friendly reminder. I hated coffee. It never tasted like anything but acidic dirt to me. As a little kid I would take sips of my dad’s coffee just so I could sneer and make a scene. “Ewwwww, Dad,  why would you drink this?”

In case you forgot that little kids are jackasses.

But when I entered into my senior year, suddenly I found myself with a new crowd. The Hippies. They listened to Damien Rice, sang Damien Rice at any coffeehouse open-mic night they could find, and watched incense smoke flutter out a window in their spare time. I suddenly realized that I was transcending into the realm of being a real, transcendental adult.

Not liking coffee was no longer an option.

I forced down a latte a day. I battled with the inexplicable rushes of caffeine and terrible crashes afterwards, and could only blame it on my life being too exciting and meaningful. I loaded extra sugar into every drink, and still struggled to look cool as I cringed through the bitterness. Suffering in silence.

It wasn’t until my third year of college, after all those blurred years of studying, all-night film shoots, and too many dates with hipsters (all of these times I was forced to stay awake), that I realized I was no longer forcing them down. I was actually enjoying coffee. A lot.

Enter the coffee addict I am today.

So, the moral of the story is, dreams do come true. I plan to become a wine-o next. Follow my blog to witness my descent into alcoholism first-hand.


6 thoughts on “6 Reasons I Have Coffee Breath

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